I woke up early today and had trouble falling back asleep. I don’t know why, but I had this sort of dread filled feeling about the day and the coming week. Honestly there isn’t much to be dreading right now (aside from the whole damn pandemic thing and all that of course). My boss is out of town so work is quiet. We have an event with Ollie’s school on Friday and that is a little stressful but not enough that it should be giving me these uneasy feelings. I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
Then I opened my Timehop today and it all made sense pretty quickly. I both love and hate Timehop, I love seeing all the old pictures of Ollie as a baby and things from the past, but sometimes I don’t love seeing things from the past. Looking through Timehop today I realized that historically, this has been a not so great time of year for me.
The year Ollie started preschool this was the first week he ended up home sick and Nate had to travel out of town and it was hard. We got everyone else in the family sick as well and I felt so guilty and like we made a horrible decision sending Ollie to school.
Another thing that happened in our history this week was this was the week Nate lost his first job after we’d only been married barely five months. We had just closed on our house merely weeks before it happened. We were so damn young and it was seriously scary.
Then there was the year that Nate was so stressed at his current job that I was starting to lose him to his own anxiety and depression and it was so hard to see the light.
It was this week that I found out I had gestational diabetes when I was pregnant with Oliver and I felt like a failure as a parent and he wasn’t even born yet.
Looking back I can see it appears Ollie and I have had some dust ups around this time of year, my guess is that it’s the school day slump catching up with him. In those moments it made me feel like the absolute worst mom.
More recently, it was around this time of year that a co-worker abuptly quit her job over an issue and decided she was not going quietly and nearly tried to destroy everything in her path on her way out – including my own job. I have never felt more betrayed and angry than I did when I found out she tried to sabatoge me. Thankfully things smoothed over quickly but it was not pretty.
And I can see there were moments around this time of year in the past that have led me to feel like a horrible wife, daughter, friend, and person. I don’t know what it is about this week in years past, but holy moly.
So, I can see now why my psyche was waking me up early with that “sense of dread”. However, there is a difference between the past and where I am now. I have spent the last couple of years, most specifically this year, working on myself and self care. I have a toolbox of things that I can pull out if the “curse of mid September” decides to rear it’s ugly head again. I will be careful when scrolling my Timehop this week and if it’s triggering, I’ll put it away. I’ll be gentle with myself and give myself permission to have some feels and move on.
I still absolutely love Fall and it’s my favorite time of year. It is a very transitional time of year too though, with changing temperatures and this bridge between summer and winter, so maybe that’s why there has been some dark clouds around this time of year in the past. If anything, I have grown and learned from those experiences, so maybe it wasn’t all bad afterall. Everything happens for a reason. I’m stronger for what happened in the past. And on we go.