Beth

Coffee Chat 1.28.19

Since it’s been awhile I thought it might be nice to sit down and have a coffee chat today. If we were at a coffee shop, I’d grab us two spots in front of a fireplace and I’d thank you for coming out to meet me on such a cold and snowy day. We’d sit down with our hot coffees and after complaining a bit about the weather we’d catch up with what’s new.

I’d go a little deeper with you on this particular day and tell you about a bit of an ah ha moment I had a couple of weeks ago. I’d tell you that I have realized that  I am finally living my life for myself. By my rules. I’m doing the things that make me happy. I’m worrying less about what others think of me. The puzzled look on your face tells me I should explain.

I think that for a long time I’ve been relying on others to make me happy. And I think I was stuck in that teenage mindset of “I need to do this because this is what all the cool kids are doing”. This led to me trying to please everyone. I said yes to everything because I didn’t want to be left out or never asked again. I went through some stuff a couple of years ago with losing some friendships and I think it really screwed me up and skewed my view on what I needed to do in order to get others to like me. So I did ALL THE THINGS. And I got burned out. And I think I even kind of lost myself.

As I’ve said before, I took last year to slow down and nourish myself. That was my word for 2018. And, as I’ve mentioned, it took me a good chunk of the year to actually get to that point. But I got there. Once I did, I found myself again. I figured out and remembered what makes me happy. Sometimes it’s just staying home and reading a good book. Maybe it’s painting. Maybe it’s adventuring with my boys. And yes, sometimes it is time with friends. I’m not here to say that friends don’t make me happy. But they are not the only thing that can make me happy. I have also realized I don’t have to do something just because it’s what the cool kids are doing. I wasn’t a cool kid 15 years ago and I am not a cool kid now. And that’s OK.

I don’t regret the past. I don’t regret any choices I made or things I’ve done. I have had some good times. That’s not what this is about. It really is just about how since the beginning of the year I’ve been kind of  just focusing on the things that really, truly make me happy. Right now that kind of looks like hibernating at home, ha! I’m not a winter person.

My ah ha moment came the other night as I was scrolling through social media as I often do before I go to bed. I saw friends out doing fun things and what not but I didn’t feel left out or sad as I may have in the past. Instead, I was pretty content to be curled up in my own bed with a book and a cat. At that moment I was happy. And I said to myself, I’m living my life for myself. I truly am. And it feels good.

Now that isn’t to say I’m going to become some hermit who never does anything. I’m out here having coffee with you right? But instead I’m just being more discerning about my time. Remember when I talked about the slow yes? I’m learning it’s OK to not respond to something immediately. I’m also choosing things I want to do and if I don’t have someone to do it with, that’s cool. I went to that candle class last week by myself. I wouldn’t have maybe done that a couple of years ago.

Anyway, the long story short is, I’m in a good place right now. My light is shining brightly and I’m not letting anything put it out. And now we’ve finished our coffees. I give you a hug and thank you for listening to me and not judging me. I make sure you know it’s not that I don’t love my friends or other people at all. It’s that I just need to be me. You shake your head in understanding and give me another hug, so I know we’re all good. We agree to meet here again next month and we also agree we hope the weather is just a tad warmer next time!

10 thoughts on “Coffee Chat 1.28.19

  1. I love this, Beth, and since “Nourish” is now my word of the year, I want to take a page from your book. I have often said yes to things out of a sense of obligation and then I immediately regret it. It’s our life to live, and we should be filling our days and what little hours we have for ourselves by doing things that make us happy. Basta!

    I’ve had to cancel plans on someone close to me a few times (not many, but a few) and every time it’s for a legitimate reason. I’m always the one to make the effort and it takes me two hours each way to see her. Whenever I do, I get massive guilt from her. Pile that on to the guilt I already feel myself and it’s not a nice feeling! Anyway, some times you just have to stay home with the cat or take a candle making class by yourself. Nothing (absolutely nothing) wrong with that ❤️

  2. Beth I love this post as much as I love you!!! I completely understand about the sayings yes to everything- that’s still me and I don’t like that. I hate the fact that I still such a people pleaser I tend to forget about pleasing myself. I’m SO happy that you are you and you have grown so much with your words from last year and this year so far! Love you tons!!!

  3. Excellent, important insight. I arrived at it around your age. We need to unlearn our fixation with competing with others and even caring about what they do. Live your own life. Oh, and can you pass the sugar, please?

  4. I’ve read a lot lately about taking up meaningful place. Meaning, to accommodate the world we live in, but hold you own, too. You’re doing that. You’re making decisions that are best for you and that doesn’t mean it has to steamroll others.

    The slow yes, the deliberate time spent doing what you want to do, instead of what you think you need to do. The beautiful thing about this, Beth, is it kind of snuck up on you. That’s when you know it’s coming from a place of change.

  5. I love this so much. I’m glad you’re finally finding what makes you happy and not dealing with FOMO. Sometimes all I want is to be home with my dog, and a book, or a good show, or even just clicking around on the Internet. I like seeing friends and doing things, but I’m an introvert. It’s nice to have a balance. 🙂

    -Lauren

  6. I love this post so much and I’m so happy that you are in a happy place and feeling content. It is a wonderful place to be in and well done with your ah ha moment.
    I can really relate to a lot of what you’ve said here – saying yes just because you feel you have is draining. I used to be a real people pleaser but I’m getting better at saying no. I used to say yes to loads and then watch my weekends disappear – Sunday night would arrive and I’d be exhausted.
    I’m better at saying no and only make time for close friends (who understand if I decline an invitation).
    I learnt my lesson with a colleague years ago. I felt I couldn’t say no and we got dragged into a supper club (nightmare to get out of). Another time she thought it acceptable to try meet up for lunch when were away one weekend. Polite didn’t work so I just kept making excuses and eventually she got the hint. Things were a bit awkward and I will never let myself be put in that position again.

  7. I think that’s great that you’re in a good place and you had that aha moment. I totally understand where you’re coming from too. It has taken some time but I also no longer feel the need to keep up with other people, or always have plans to do fun things. I’ve become quite a homebody and I kind of like it. 🙂

  8. I think this is one of the greatest lessons of getting older, not giving a f*ck about what other people think about your choices!

  9. Finding out who you are so often means just remembering who you were.
    We are who we always were.
    Me? Nerd, loves to lose herself in a book (honestly, never a TV show…) and could spend days alone without too much difficulty. That was high school.
    Me now? Nerd (thank goodness my job is, basically, being one…). Love to lose myself in a book. Often multiple books. 😉 and put my TV in the closet. And last week? I did spend multiple days alone without difficulty. And trust me, I’m loooong past high school now.

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